Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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