textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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