he thought i was a dude.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
