I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
