if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
