Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
