Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
