how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
how drunk are you?
Several
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
