I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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