Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
