Jerry, you need to find god
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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