Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
