I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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