you're like a bully in the Christmas story
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
