I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
soo... how was my night?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
