I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
