So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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