i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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