We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
