I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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