I was born with a shot glass in my hand
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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