I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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