I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
