Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
