I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
