I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
