Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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