i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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