My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
