What a fucking waste of an outfit
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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