my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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