Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
