I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
