Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
