Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
