everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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