i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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