my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
