I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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