There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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