my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
