im having a threesome with these popsicles
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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