my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
