oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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