i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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