I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
