If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
