Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
