you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
