I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
