I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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