My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
