I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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