It was confusing and full of hummus
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
