You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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